I wanna be skinny! Why is it so hard to be skinny!


Confused….

Not really sure where to start. I am just a confused mess right now. i am like all over the place! Cant seem to grab ahold of myself! There’s like Tango, Godma/Grandma, Mac Book, Family, Work. 

He’s living soon… going back to bail. 

Work’s just FUCKED UP. I just feel like i deserve better. 

i just want to be happy… is it to much that i am asking for?

I really need to sort myself up. 


Dick head❤️😔😔

I miss you! From the bottom of my heart I miss you like crazy. There was never a time where I forgot you when I was a away! It felt so good when I was in your arms for that moment. But I want more… I want more memories of me in your arms feeling safe:( honestly am I asking for to much? It’s the ego and immaturity of yours!!! Why can’t you just be honest about your feelings….


I just wonder what did I do in my past that god is treating me like that now… It’s like everyone that I love is taken or fucked up. Why! I am nice to everyone and why are you treating me like this!!! What did I do to you!!! Is being a free thinker a mistake!!!! All I am asking for is someone to love me… You hear me🙏begging you god… I wanna know how is it like to fall in love and being loved and not just miss someone like a stalker… I wanted to be somebody’s and not just be a lamp post. Just that madly in love feeling ….Iwill I ever get a chance to be in love? Will you ever let me?


Where do i start….

Dinner and Dance 2013. That’s where everything officially started. That was when we exchanged our numbers. I should have known what i was getting myself into. I could never look you in the eye, i don’t know why but ya. We danced and drank that night. Was having a blast with Diana! Still remember going around and mamboing with everyone! And then you came…and i got high and we danced together…we were all over each other.. We were fine after that night. We texted each other and everything was cool, just that people think that we were/are a item. Zouk Out was next. I thought he would not come, one cause his only 17, two he was saying he did not want to come. ZO was AWESOME!!! I LOVED THAT NIGHT! I was high on the dance floor!!hahah it was crazy. THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! Like i felt myself for the first time. he came in the end. He texted me and i meet him. We were together the hold time. We kissed. We told each other things. i fell for him then. But something told me that he had a girl. And yes he did have a girl. New Year’s Eve we kept our distance. Next thing i knew he was in the same kitchen and Diana was leaving. I am lost. I just keep falling for him deeper. I know its wrong but i just cant resist it! We went out for lunch twice. Toke him to my granny’s. We make out in the office. Trying to stop. 13 Feb. Jane, Remus, Nick and I. We drank. Went to my first thai club. weird. I don’t wish to talk abt what happened at night. His trouble yet i want him!


13th.

Well i guess happy new year to me… the always say new year, new me…i dont what to say about that.. so my last post was not the best of me! i do try to ask  myself what was i thinking when i accepted that! i never loved him or thought of him in that way… but maybe once but i knew it will never work out! I know for sure i lied to myself!i have not seen him for 3 weeks and school is starting tmr so i dont know how it is gonna be like..speaking of school have been looking forward to it but not the ppl.. i dont know but i just feel like i am someone that ppl can forget me so easily am i all that? i just feel like i dont deserve this shit so fuck it.. you want to be nice i be nice… 

Ryan on the other hand i cant understand him!i am just wondering what is happening to me cause i was so not into anyone and i dont know what is going on with me anymore!3 weeks hols and on the first week i went to recipes with my hopes high but fuck it rite now! and i spent new year at Malaysia..  and the 2 and 3 week it is just shitty.. oh i went to uss with scott and his mom it was fun.. sometimes i just want to be alone.. is it even possible? well schools starting tmr and all the best to me and i am gonna join dragon boat classes on sat. :) hoping that this year is gonna be a good one:)


20-11-2012<3

Loving this date was not expecting this but i am like on with Samuel….trying to absorb it…JUST CANT GET ENOUGH!


Listening ear?

it really bugs me when the drama could be more impt to my mom then my life!i tell her that everybody in my class thinks that i am the leader to the cold kitchen and she is like why? serious thinking about it aint you suppose to be help that your daughter is like leader… i really got nothing to say.. i love my mom but she pisses me off at times!!i just hate fighting/ arguing with her but all i ask is for a listening ear!

so thinking and i realized that i can be really naggy and annoying and i dont know how i am going to fine a guy…

feeling really shitty! 


the world is just another weird place..

currently living a life where i am trying to find a life.. i know i dont make any sense but ya.. i have been talking with no meaning to my words…i have been like mixing my words up.. i have got no idea why but ya.. 

my sis is back for her 2mths attachment.. and i feel that the bond between my sisters and i have not gotten this much stronger:) i am treasuring what i am having rite now:)

i am so glad with the fact that i have got two great parents who support me no matter what happens! even if it costs hell lots of money! i will love them even if they annoy me so fucking badly at times!

ketyka is gonna come on tuesday cant wait to see her:) so excited! missed her like hell lots!!!even if she is not much of a listening ear her presents is all i need to make me feel good:)love her lots:)

tmr is the start of my term 3!will be at recipes my school rest. working there for free! so any way it is gonna be a start to my experience in a actual kitchen:) excited but scared at the same time:)hehe:)i am gonna give my best:)

so it has been about 22 days since i last posted anything here but after the incident things have changed i guess not for the best but also not for the worse..things have been alright and it is all part and pieces of life.. he called me and texted me once and that was about it… nothing.. i have got to realize and come to my senses that he was just making use of me.. as for my school mates ryan thought i was a les.! i cant believe it a handful of them thought i was a les. just because i dont talk about guys.. maybe it is just that i talk to a couple of ppl about my life i dont annouce it to everybody! the world is just a weird place to be in..


1 September 2012

Coming straight to the point, i lost my first kiss to a douche bag! i really have got no idea how it started or whatever one moment we were freaking close and the next he was trying to kiss and the next moment i was all over him.. i mean it is tarun and i am super over him and not interested in him i know that he is not my cup of tea.. everything when out of hand… and rite now i am feeling really shitty about myself..i was suppose to be more mature and in control of myself. and i have got idea why did i agree to go another date with him and believe his words and.. argh!!i am just so annoyed and disappointed with myself!i have never in my life thought of losing my first kiss to such a person and in that position… i am speechless of myself and i gotta end what i started to…